As many of you may already know, this week is National Unmarried and Single Americans Week (NUSAW). (1) I celebrated by lunching alone and reflecting on singlehood in America. Today’s lunch consisted of:
One small soup
5 packs of saltines (for obvious reasons, I resent the fact that they are packaged in pairs)
One diet coke
Cost: $1.90. How can I afford more when I have no tax deductions?
While sipping my soup, I did some research on life and lunch in America as a single person. As it turns out, NUSAW has inspired so much more than my solitary lunch time thoughts. NUSAW's recognition that singles in America now compose the majority of American households has been accompanied by a comprehensive agenda for singles reform, vaguely reminiscent of The New Deal. Because discussion of these reforms was deleted from the G-20 agenda (as a result of critics’ claims that the G-20 was not the proper forum for singles issues), the Editorial Staff of TLR would like to describe these initiatives for you below. In the interests of disclosure, I note that several of the editorial staff of TLR are in fact single and unmarried.—Editor in Chief of TLR
Health Care for Singles. Proposed health care reforms include insurance programs that permit single/unmarried individuals to share their employer-sponsored medical benefits with domestic dependent pets (if your shitzapoo is earning his own wages, however, he would be ineligible under the program, even if he lives with you full time).
Single Tax Deductions. Proposed tax reforms include the Single Tax Deduction (referred to as "STD," until a more appropriate acronym has been agreed upon) whereby single persons deduct from their AGI the amount of taxes they have paid for public schooling and other taxpayer-supported programs from which they have derived no benefit because of their singlehood.
Affirmative Action for Singles. Singles rarely have a legitimate excuse to decline work, while their coupled counterparts enjoy a permanent get-out-of-jail (or office)-for-free card, in the form of a spouse. To decline work, married folk need only whine "Sorry, I’m committed to a dinner my wife arranged," and the excuse is respectfully accepted. If singles decline a project (few would be brazen enough to offer a reason), they are said to "lack dedication." Lack of dedication? Singles have for so long been dedicated to picking up the slack for colleagues saddled with "spousal obligations," that they haven’t even taken the time to develop any impediments to work, such as a spouse. Who lacks the dedication now? Affirmative action for singles programs will guarantee paid dating leave, regardless of age.
Restaurant Reform. Most noteworthy and of greatest relevance to TLR are the sweeping restaurant reforms contemplated:
*Swiss restaurants will offer Fondue for One.
*Italian restaurants will serve credible "pizzas for one," rather than large and expensive flying tomato and cheese saucers that can be completed only by one large football player and financed only through at least two contributing bank accounts.
*Food traditions will be reworked. Do I really need another diner by my side to grab hold of one end of a wishbone and break it in two just to determine who gets the wish? Why can't I be both the one who gets the wish and the one who does not? Sort of like a self-contained yin and yang thing.
*Restaurants will allow advance reservations for single people only, while groups and couples can show up and wait for a seat until singles finish their meals.
*Foods will be sold and marketed in single portions while portions for two or more will bear a surcharge. So long, economies of scale—it’s all about economies for singles.
No longer will singles sulk in the corner in that dimly lit section where waiters force them to hide. We/you singles are the majority and it's high time the rest of society caught up with our evolved lifestyles and moved beyond the multi-party paradigm that dominates our dining world.
This week, we urge all singles to take back the restaurants. Go forth and stare down those feeble "group" eaters who can dine only in herds. Cast them a pitying glance and say in a not-so-hushed voice: "Poor things, they can't just sit alone and enjoy a glass of wine.... They have to bring a reluctant spouse and pretend to be amused by their obligatory meal-time conversation.” And, most importantly, don't be afraid to drink alone. If statistics are to be believed, more than half the country is already drinking alone.
The Editorial Staff of The Lunch Report
Notes
(1) http://www.reuters.com/article/pressRelease/idUS131290+21-Sep-2009+BW20090921
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
The Lunchentach Report: The Meaning of Lunch
Some of you may have noticed that your lunch was different yesterday. Something was missing? Maybe you were craving a Lunch Report that failed to deliver? Like opening the refrigerator in the vain hope that there may be a goody waiting, even though no one in your family (domestic system, whatever) has gone grocery shopping in ages and you know you devoured any goodies in the fridge just the night before?
Well, the Editor of TLR was so deep in thought yesterday that, shamefully, she forgot about lunch altogether. Ironically, what made her forget lunch were her reflective thoughts about lunch itself and what it means to us as individuals, communities, men, women, professionals, non-professionals, and, most importantly, as Americans.
As some of you may already know, "lunch" is an abbreviated form of “Lunchentach,” which, according to an 1850 definition in the OED, meant a meal that was “inserted” between two more substantial meals. For those without an 1850 edition of the OED, Wikipedia’s elucidation of lunch is just as enlightening: “originally intended as a vehicle in which working classes could escape their jobs and purchase alcoholic beverages;” “employees and schools usually provide a lunch break in the middle of the day;” “lunch can function as a form of entertainment . . .” So, according to the authorities, lunch is primarily a “break” or a “diversion” from the rest of the day (even cricket test matches—hardly a form of labor—provide for prolonged lunch breaks).
Yet in most parts of America, lunch (or “Zmittag” as Swiss-Germans like Federer might say), like vacation, is a dying art form. The corporate ranks (memorialized in the movie Wall Street with the line “lunch is for wimps”) are in large part to blame but others have contributed as well. Have you contributed?
Today, I had for lunch:
**A footlong hoagie stuffed with remorse and peppered with shame, because I know I always scurry to the cafeteria, nab my budget meal and run back to my desk without so much as looking up from my environmentally friendly cardboard tray.
**A glass of carbonated regret (I let it sit out a little bit so the regretting bubbles would not give me the hiccups) for every time a colleague or friend has suggested lunch and I have declined in order for a conference call, hair cut or visit to the gym to take priority.
Cost: my pride, which well exceeds my daily $3 budget for lunch.
We're all to blame for the loss of lunch ("LoL" (not to be confused with "LOL," a puerile email or text acronym that boasts an offensive use of ALL CAPS)) in America. Every time you give priority to that meeting , that errand, that hair appointment, that asocial instinct, etc, instead of breaking bread (or sneaking alcohol) with your fellow humankind, you have contributed to LoL in America. Despite government's efforts (let's leave this as a bipartisan issue and not bring up Obama's school lunch plan) to legislate lunch, lunch starts within, within each one of us.
Labor Day weekend is fast approaching. On Labor Day we take a break from labor and reflect on work, this year both the presence and, for a great many, the absence, of work. But maybe every day, even if just for an hour, can be Labor Day (Labor Hour?) and offer the same opportunity to separate ourselves from the rhythym of our labor and work, break bread with friends and maybe even sneak some hooch.
The Editor and Staff of TLR would like to wish you all a wonderful Labor Day weekend filled with long leisurely lunchentachs.
Well, the Editor of TLR was so deep in thought yesterday that, shamefully, she forgot about lunch altogether. Ironically, what made her forget lunch were her reflective thoughts about lunch itself and what it means to us as individuals, communities, men, women, professionals, non-professionals, and, most importantly, as Americans.
As some of you may already know, "lunch" is an abbreviated form of “Lunchentach,” which, according to an 1850 definition in the OED, meant a meal that was “inserted” between two more substantial meals. For those without an 1850 edition of the OED, Wikipedia’s elucidation of lunch is just as enlightening: “originally intended as a vehicle in which working classes could escape their jobs and purchase alcoholic beverages;” “employees and schools usually provide a lunch break in the middle of the day;” “lunch can function as a form of entertainment . . .” So, according to the authorities, lunch is primarily a “break” or a “diversion” from the rest of the day (even cricket test matches—hardly a form of labor—provide for prolonged lunch breaks).
Yet in most parts of America, lunch (or “Zmittag” as Swiss-Germans like Federer might say), like vacation, is a dying art form. The corporate ranks (memorialized in the movie Wall Street with the line “lunch is for wimps”) are in large part to blame but others have contributed as well. Have you contributed?
Today, I had for lunch:
**A footlong hoagie stuffed with remorse and peppered with shame, because I know I always scurry to the cafeteria, nab my budget meal and run back to my desk without so much as looking up from my environmentally friendly cardboard tray.
**A glass of carbonated regret (I let it sit out a little bit so the regretting bubbles would not give me the hiccups) for every time a colleague or friend has suggested lunch and I have declined in order for a conference call, hair cut or visit to the gym to take priority.
Cost: my pride, which well exceeds my daily $3 budget for lunch.
We're all to blame for the loss of lunch ("LoL" (not to be confused with "LOL," a puerile email or text acronym that boasts an offensive use of ALL CAPS)) in America. Every time you give priority to that meeting , that errand, that hair appointment, that asocial instinct, etc, instead of breaking bread (or sneaking alcohol) with your fellow humankind, you have contributed to LoL in America. Despite government's efforts (let's leave this as a bipartisan issue and not bring up Obama's school lunch plan) to legislate lunch, lunch starts within, within each one of us.
Labor Day weekend is fast approaching. On Labor Day we take a break from labor and reflect on work, this year both the presence and, for a great many, the absence, of work. But maybe every day, even if just for an hour, can be Labor Day (Labor Hour?) and offer the same opportunity to separate ourselves from the rhythym of our labor and work, break bread with friends and maybe even sneak some hooch.
The Editor and Staff of TLR would like to wish you all a wonderful Labor Day weekend filled with long leisurely lunchentachs.
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