Eating Single in America

As many of you may already know, this week is National Unmarried and Single Americans Week (NUSAW). (1) I celebrated by lunching alone and reflecting on singlehood in America. Today’s lunch consisted of:

One small soup
5 packs of saltines (for obvious reasons, I resent the fact that they are packaged in pairs)
One diet coke
Cost: $1.90. How can I afford more when I have no tax deductions?

While sipping my soup, I did some research on life and lunch in America as a single person. As it turns out, NUSAW has inspired so much more than my solitary lunch time thoughts. NUSAW's recognition that singles in America now compose the majority of American households has been accompanied by a comprehensive agenda for singles reform, vaguely reminiscent of The New Deal. Because discussion of these reforms was deleted from the G-20 agenda (as a result of critics’ claims that the G-20 was not the proper forum for singles issues), the Editorial Staff of TLR would like to describe these initiatives for you below. In the interests of disclosure, I note that several of the editorial staff of TLR are in fact single and unmarried.—Editor in Chief of TLR

Health Care for Singles. Proposed health care reforms include insurance programs that permit single/unmarried individuals to share their employer-sponsored medical benefits with domestic dependent pets (if your shitzapoo is earning his own wages, however, he would be ineligible under the program, even if he lives with you full time).

Single Tax Deductions. Proposed tax reforms include the Single Tax Deduction (referred to as "STD," until a more appropriate acronym has been agreed upon) whereby single persons deduct from their AGI the amount of taxes they have paid for public schooling and other taxpayer-supported programs from which they have derived no benefit because of their singlehood.

Affirmative Action for Singles. Singles rarely have a legitimate excuse to decline work, while their coupled counterparts enjoy a permanent get-out-of-jail (or office)-for-free card, in the form of a spouse. To decline work, married folk need only whine "Sorry, I’m committed to a dinner my wife arranged," and the excuse is respectfully accepted. If singles decline a project (few would be brazen enough to offer a reason), they are said to "lack dedication." Lack of dedication? Singles have for so long been dedicated to picking up the slack for colleagues saddled with "spousal obligations," that they haven’t even taken the time to develop any impediments to work, such as a spouse. Who lacks the dedication now? Affirmative action for singles programs will guarantee paid dating leave, regardless of age.

Restaurant Reform. Most noteworthy and of greatest relevance to TLR are the sweeping restaurant reforms contemplated:

*Swiss restaurants will offer Fondue for One.

*Italian restaurants will serve credible "pizzas for one," rather than large and expensive flying tomato and cheese saucers that can be completed only by one large football player and financed only through at least two contributing bank accounts.

*Food traditions will be reworked. Do I really need another diner by my side to grab hold of one end of a wishbone and break it in two just to determine who gets the wish? Why can't I be both the one who gets the wish and the one who does not? Sort of like a self-contained yin and yang thing.

*Restaurants will allow advance reservations for single people only, while groups and couples can show up and wait for a seat until singles finish their meals.

*Foods will be sold and marketed in single portions while portions for two or more will bear a surcharge. So long, economies of scale—it’s all about economies for singles.

No longer will singles sulk in the corner in that dimly lit section where waiters force them to hide. We/you singles are the majority and it's high time the rest of society caught up with our evolved lifestyles and moved beyond the multi-party paradigm that dominates our dining world.

This week, we urge all singles to take back the restaurants. Go forth and stare down those feeble "group" eaters who can dine only in herds. Cast them a pitying glance and say in a not-so-hushed voice: "Poor things, they can't just sit alone and enjoy a glass of wine.... They have to bring a reluctant spouse and pretend to be amused by their obligatory meal-time conversation.” And, most importantly, don't be afraid to drink alone. If statistics are to be believed, more than half the country is already drinking alone.

The Editorial Staff of The Lunch Report


Notes
(1) http://www.reuters.com/article/pressRelease/idUS131290+21-Sep-2009+BW20090921