The Lunch Report: My Lunch with Tiger Woods

Given the continued coverage of Tiger Woods’ non-golfing activities, I thought I should come clean with my readership. I had lunch with Tiger Woods.

It all took place at Sawgrass in 2003.* Elin and he were not married at the time so, technically, it wasn’t a "transgression." I was a guest speaker at a conference hosted by UBS, which was also sponsoring the PGA event taking place at the same time, and so was generously provided with courtesy tickets to the golf tournament.

Tiger’s and my meeting was completely accidental and perhaps a result of a breach in Tiger’s security protocol and my innate disrespect for boundaries. I remain bound by various confidentiality agreements and cannot elaborate much on our meeting. Suffice it to say, he extended a very private lunch invitation.

Given our age difference, I suppose it was more of a cougar-cub thing than anything else (although at 27 Tiger was an aging cub and I, at 35, was just a baby cougar, if even).*

So why aren’t I one of the Tiger Tramps* named by the media in Tiger-gate? I think you know why. If there is a Tiger tramp, she must be a busty model of Amazonian height with the finest features this side of the Atlantic (or the Pacific, given Tiger's birthplace in CA)—not a bespectacled corporate lawyer of modest bosom and height with a quirky nose, like Penelope Frost.

Real stories about real relationships are complicated, messy and not easily summed up in 3-word titles with pithy 4-word subtitles and borderline porn photos. Reality is in fact much more nuanced and requires many more words and much more time to adequately discuss, which is exactly why most of us don’t want to read about it.

There's been a lot of talk about Tiger being "human" in the news coverage but in fact the media has taken Tiger's alleged escapades well beyond "human" and well into the realm of super human. If there were infidelity, surely it would not have been any ordinary indiscretion. Tiger must have broken a record.

At this point we're all tired of the coverage and amateur analogies and metaphors cropping up, including the "the fairways of his life," how many "birdies" (women) he "scored" (bedded) on "the back nine" and triple-entendred references to his "swing" (sorry, Yahoo internet policies prevent me from translating these last two).

But there is no longer any point in asking "Who cares?" Apparently everyone does and no one believes he is human, even if he is. I’m afraid we can expect the media to ride the Tiger* a bit longer as Tiger’s closeted tendency to "be human" takes on more epic and outlandish proportions every day.

Penelope

P.S. As I am sure you have divined by now (and if you have not, The Lunch Report is probably over your head and you may want to stick with the NY Post), I did not in fact have lunch, or anything else, with Tiger Woods. Don't think I haven't contemplated it—what female hasn't contemplated it, at least once, as she watches Tiger stride up the 18th fairway on a Sunday afternoon with a double digit lead—it’s only "human."

Notes____________
*The Stadium Course at TPC Sawgrass (Jacksonville, FL) is the site of an annual PGA event.

*According to the New York Times, cubs range in age from 23-31 and cougars range in age from 35-56. See "In Cougar Territory, Cubs Take the Lead," New York Times, November 14, 2009.

*"N. ‘ty-gur tramp. Any of the comely participants involved in the extraordinary romps of the formerly inscrutable golf superstar Tiger Woods. Usage: As news of the Tiger Woods scandal spread, one "other woman" after another emerged with a love story to tell or sell. Within a week, more than ten Tiger tramps had revealed themselves, and it became clear that the taciturn, no-show golf pro had set himself quite a tiger trap." Source: http://wordbirds.tumblr.com/

*"V. ryd thu ty-gur. To report or to track the evolving Tiger Woods scandal as zestfully, tenaciously, and as often as possible. Usage: Journalists on every news station rode the Tiger all week long, rushing to communicate every bit of gossip or scandal to their viewers as soon as it emerged, as if they were reporting on a war, flood, earthquake, or other issue of unquestioned human relevance." Source: http://wordbirds.tumblr.com.